finally im online, well im sayign this way too often but its true. PMR ish cuming and i dont care!!! why?! i dont know...my messed up life...i have nothing to write

i recieved an sms yesterday and didnt realize why my tears started pouring out.


Final Word

i did love you. actually i looked for you forever. when i found you i swore to sweep you off your feet and to spend a lifetime with you.after so many months i look at my endless effort go down the drain. i gave you a chance. a little more time. you were the one that blew it. i finally decided to let you go even if it was gonna haunt me for the rest of my life. if you were gonna keep me waiting all my life i'd rather move on. thrust me on this one though. i NEVER did stop thinking bout you and loving you. i tried so hard to get you off my mind. everytime i close my eyes i see you. but even if it is so, i now come to apologize. if i ever made you feel like i cheated on you or something. im sorry. thrith is i still love you but i have to say good bye. Good Bye



if he wanted to give up so easily why did he start in the first place. if he wanted to leave why didnt he just ignore me. rather than putting me on this guilt trip. if he wanted to leave why didnt he just say its over and stop talking to me. why didnt he??!!

Confessions of Me


I am...

- dead - suicidal - melancholy - empty - stupid - pathetic - sad - incomplete - loveless - heartless - a failure - hopeless - faithless - death - blood - crazy - out of my mind - brainless - imperfection - sorrowful


and you would be able to list down an even longer list than mine. so heres the long story cut short. dont expect extrodinary things from me. heck! dont even expect ordinary things from me. im not who you think i am

DonatedMeHeart'z Sleepover


heh...almost forgot to post tis one.. well Darrel invited Ryan Jake and Matt. plus me lorx.. 1 girl 4 guys...weird~ and then we practically did nothing exciting. everybody so quite. especially Ryan. heh. got bored so played bb with Jake. Darrel malas layan me~ then i dunno wat happen in de house la. Jake ask me lor "eh...you and D official ade ar". i wus lyk" ....." then he continued." dont look lyk it leh...^^ jus asking~" the he shot one in. "sakaii la you.." i scold him. hahaha. kinda boring lor actually. when we went in Darrel cooked dinner...i tot he wus gonna burn de house down when he told me he was going to do that.

i have no comments on de food....got nothing to say...and boys being boys...they talk while eating. mouth full also they talk. talk talk talk. non stop la. i one persons it ther....din say anything~
then after dinner. Ryan and Darrel suddenly siao ade. lyk how we all siao at school. laugh non stop. simply tok crap. they 2 go and on the karaoke and started singing...to tell you the truth they suck. when all they are doing is shouting and laughing at the mic. i sit there and jus stare...what do u want me to do...Jake dunno lari go wher ade. sudd he hilang.

time realy flies when ur having fun. though i felt bored...i wus sitting there laughing at their sick act...then.. Ryan got up with Darrel and acted out Romeo and Juliet for me...i was..."=.=" haha...they looked so gay!!!!!!! then i din clap hand they clap hand for themselves. and they started singing " if you're happy and you know it...."


then Lee had to call me...then the stupidest thing happened...Matt and Darrel grabed my phone. turned on the loud speaker. and started screaming something even i didnt understand. i was jus laughing...haha. Matt started making funny faces at the phone and they ran away wif my phone...bye bye phone!...


i stil wondering wher Jake go...he's missing out on all de fun...^^ it was about 12 when all turned back to normal...and i was forced to sing...cuz all of them kept picking all the duet songs...purposely!!!! then i started screaming on de mic cuz i dunno how to sing and they ask me to sing. then Matt wif the mic screamed back. then we started screaming at each other. Jake finally showed up. then Matt sudd fell off the sofa. acted dead... =.= "i think i need cpr la.." Matt say laughing..." Jake! do for him..!! u in SJA rite~ faster he dying ade..." i said..." WOAH!!!!! NO NEED!!! NO NEED!!!! IM OKAY!!! IM OKAY!!!" Matt quicky got up. LOL. by the time it was 3 a.m. we were all pooped out.... guys all splet upstairs...i volunteered to sleep downstair where the air cond was so much cooler...and for other reasons.


i fell asleep imediately...i was so tired out. then someone. so smart go and wake me up. i felt someone kissing me forehead. stil blur blur. i wanted to go back to sleep. then i heard someone talking...could barely make out the words. then he started appologising. 3 guesses who??!! no need 3 guesses la 1 guess only. then after that long lecture....i heard something lyk..." anatawa nyngio watashi desu ka." then he kissed me forehead and turned off the lights again.


then iw ent back to sleep in a nick of time. i woke up the next day. uncertain whether it was a dream or wat. anyway i kept my mouth shut.


i realize. that all this could be lost with just simple words. sometimes its better this way. and yet maybe not too...i have no idea...

I'll take a knife and stab u in the back
Like how u did to all the girls u date
I'll take a gun and shoot u in the head
Like how u did to the girls u hate


Tell me why
Why am i wasting all my precious time on u
on a useless jerk like you


Cuz this is for
All the girlz, all de girlz
Who had their heartz broken
All de girlz, all de girlz
Whom u made feel sober
All de girlz, all de girlz
Who wasted their own tears on u



i jus decided that i've lost all meaning to live. i've lost my reason to smile. i've lost my reason to cry. i've lost my reason to laugh. i've lost all reason to live as a human being. i've lost everything. everything i've ever had. everything i've ever owned. everything i've ever loved. all gone. hidden once more in the mist. never to be found again.

god damn it today was jus so crappy!!! i really wanna murder myself after wat happened. already im being enslaved and now it just got worst.
i seriously dont know how i get myself into these messes some times. and now i cant exactly get out. to frens who i ade told you wats gonna happen today. well heres wat happened


one by one. group by group. people begin to pack up the house. after dinner they separated to teens and adults. one side each. as usualy my parents were the first to arrive. so called "excited" about it. i cant believe they finished dinner so fast. and then i was left alone wit Lee. how am i gonna put tis?! well we jus sat there with nothing to say til more people came. this shud sound good for u Matt. i was overjoyed to see u actually. ^^ . then they kinda went to grab dinner and left me alone with Lee again. i was sms-ing when Lee jus came and grab and tossed my phone aside. and i mean throw. i got up. furious. he pushed me back on de sofa. Lee was so close to my face i could feel him breath. and fucking hell i wasnt comfortable. "Dont move servant". wat was i to do?! i heard then coming back in and Lee just got closer. then i got disgusted when he licked me. T.T . i could see Matt burst in. " are we interupting something?! ", tat was suppouse to be a retorical question Matt asked. my little heart skipped a beat.

i could see Lee was angry and yet a little satisfied with him self. then the rest of the night was jus boring. then we decided to play a game. similar game we ( in tis case we is for me and my school mates ) played in wyin pings house. i was praying tis tragedy wasnt going to happen. since guys mainly out numbered the girls the guys change loads of the rules. okay so Lee got that stupid kissing card and he dengan bangganya ask me to get up. unwillingly i got up. kept my distance. then he whispered "closer". i said no. "closer. as close as we were jus now" he whispered. god please save me! i took one step closer and tats all it took. i felt terribly uncomfortable. were milimetres away from each other. Lee pushed my head up and jus kissed me lyk tat. fuck him!!! i pushed him and ran. i terribly sorry for myself. im terrified. i could hear them laughing. guessed they continued without me. i dont know how long i sat there but then the noise piped down. i didnt want to move from that spot. it felt like santuary. and it wasnt a surprise when the one that came looking for me was Lee.


i looked away. acted as if i didnt see him cuz i dont wanna see him. then my heart suddenly stopped beating. Lee held me from behind. and started to smell my hair?! okay tat was weird. his hands. from my shoulder to my waist. and then i got disgusted again. i dunno wats so nice bout my neck. after that i jus blacked out as in i didnt know wat else to think or do. Lee pushed me against the wall. god damn it that hurt a lot!!!! " hands around me" he ordered. this is not worth a secret tat big. but tis is not worth even my life. his nose touched mine. "you are my servant. you are mine.understand? " he said. i nodded reluctantly. he kissed me again...and it hurt that i could do anything. it hurt cuz i dont wan Lee kissing me. i turned away when his tongue started. and walked away. i had nothing else to say. i felt like crying. im not a whore. not a whore. Lee didnt follow me after that. i sat at the porch staring at the sky. " Hey. wanna know something?" matt asked. joining me. " yea.. wat??" faintly i said. "Lee definately is not for u"
"Yea i know.....its real stupid"
"Rough night eh..."
"You dont know the half of it"
"Maybe jus a quarter."
"Ah D wouldnt want to sad you know"
"Ya...i could have guessed tat myself"
"Neither do i."
"I guess so"
"Well Ah D has been blaming himself for tis slavery of urs"
"Figures."
"I wonder what would he do if he knew wat happened"
"Probably kill himself?!"
"I hate Lee"
"Who doesnt"
"I wanna die"
"Look.Will it help if u talked to ah D?"
"NO! he'll ask. wat am i gonna say..."
"The truth. Thats all."


he left me to think. i wished i could really turn back time. i wished none of this ever happened. i wish i never met any of these people. i wish i wasnt alive anymore.


then i heard a voice i merely remember.
"Still wanna die?"
He was squating in front of me.
"Not really".
"What are you doing here anyway?"
"Just tot u might need some cheering up."
"Oodlez of it. i tot u said u couldnt come"
"Tot would be a nice surprise but i guess not."
"I really dont know what i do to deserve this"
"You didnt do anything wrong.It was me."
"You shud cry at home. or when available. not here."
"I can do that. i think."
"^^ So wat time r u leaving for home?"
"I dont know.....i really dont....i wish i did...."
"Ok Ok....I told u I'd protect u wit my life and i will."
"............................I dont know wat to think anymore"
"I'm sorry."
"...why'd u appologise?"
"Cuz i dont wanna lose you."
"...am i suppouse to feel the same?!"
"I dont know...but please...smile?"
i looked and gave him a faint smile. he smiled back and gave me a hug.
"Never will i let u be hurt again."
and when i tot all was turning out okay it jus got bad. He waited till i left. and when i entered to car my mum started to talk. and when she talks its never good. she compliant on who de hell was that guy. and how im so close to him... blah blah blah. then she went and talk about Lee. the person i was trying to get my mind out of. my eyes were about to water with every second of her talking bout how great he is. how porper he is for me. all lies!!!!!

now im home. happy to be so. but the memory of tonight will live on forever let me assure you this. im a slave. a servant. i am....


no longer me....